Today my posts are like buses, non for a week then two at once. It is also not like me to be a little disorganized. I have already saved a draft of my next post, before I have written this post. I will publish that today too.
I have been hiding away from the world over the last few days. It seems like a long time since I have last posted but it has actually, only been about a week.
Why have I not posted?
I have resorted to listing my top three reasons…What I really mean are my top three excuses!
When I first embarked on the journey of blogging, I was full of excitement, (although, I was still suffering from depression) because I, like so many others have found an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I also found that there were people out there that were interested in what I had to say. This past week, I have found it difficult to string a coherent sentence together, this is obviously not conducive to writing a good blog! I have found it hard to get to the point of switching the computer on.
I don’t know how any one else feels about or copes with their depression, but with me, it’s like I can’t get started on anything. I find my self, doubting my diagnosis, because I am not tucked up in bed all day every day. Yet, when I phone my mum, which I do on most days, she tells me I sound tired. Yes, I am tired all the time, and I wake up very early, (even when I don’t have plans), I am talking about half five or six o’clock and I can’t settle so I have to get up.
I don’t spend all day crying, although I do feel weepy on a daily basis. I feel like every time I open my mouth or start typing, I am whingeing on about something. This is not how I want to be in the world.
I have an internal dialogue about everything. Should I say anything? Should I do something? (this can be about anything), whether it’s giving a compliment or stating an opinion, writing a blog or looking for a job. I have a battle in my head each time I do or say anything. Should I have porridge for breakfast – I might be hungry again sooner than if I had that lean bacon bun on a small brown bun.
Should I be off work with depression? or is it depression at all? Am I just feeling rubbish because I can’t achieve the average call per hour statics, even though I know this is because I believe in giving the customer the best and most detailed information I can. Even though, through my visits to the counselor, I have come to the realization that, I am not rubbish. It’s just the company and I have a different ethos. I believe in customer service – it should be right and give the customer all the necessary information, whereas the company believes that productivity is most important and as long as you give the minimum amount of information, it’s ok.
Am I a good person or lazy scrounger, because I am off on the sick?
I have aches and pains all over and sinus pain – The doctor says these are not really stress related, so I am not sure what my symptoms really are. But, is this then another sign of the gloom of depression, that I am second guessing my self.
I am very tired all the time, although I can’t sleep. I usually put this down to the Diabetes and Poly Cystic ovary Syndrome (PCOS). These conditions do not help my mood either. My husband has said that living with PCOS is already like living with someone with permanent Premenstrual Tension.
I tend to score high on the depression questionnaires. I had to fill one in for my DESMOND program preparation. Even though I try to answer the questions quickly, to avoid giving answers that I know will show me as depressed.
It’s not good.
2. I have run out of things to say. To be fair, this is probably affected by the depression. It’s not really that I have run out of things to say! Anyone who knows me well, can testify that this would never happen. It’s more that I feel like I don’t have anything worth reading to say.
So. What can I talk about now. Not an awful lot. I need to save some of my creative missives for the next installment of Iccle blog.
3. Job search.
How frustrating is searching for a job. The only real jobs out there are call centre jobs and that’s what I am desperate to get away from! I also have computer issues, which mean I am very frustrated as keep having to start my job searches over, by the time I am due to start my blogging I am about to throw the laptop through the window. Are aggressive tendencies another sign of depression?
Well, I am now off to talk myself out of going to the pictures.
PS. Iron Man 3… Brilliant film
- Battling the “D” (alliekat13.wordpress.com)